Relative wisdom

"If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." - Albert Einstein

Naughty messiah

Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

Thank you

The dodo died. Then Dodi & Di died, then Dando died.......Dido must be shitting herself!

I have a step-ladder, I never knew my real ladder.

Miss Understood

The lesbians upstairs gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Towcester

You know you were never liked by your parents when your only bath toy was a toaster.

Bedpan humour

So a guy wakes up in hospital and screams "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs". The Doctor replies "I know you can't, we had to amputate your arms!